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Feature: The Secret to Unlimited Confidence

TL;DR: Stories about the underdog are popular and relatable. But in the best stories, the underdog always rises triumphantly in the end. If you’re stuck in underdog mode, you need to think of yourself differently. Here’s a way to make it happen.

There was this cute young woman working at the library near my house.

One day I got ready to ask her out on a date.

I rode my bike to the library, carefully rehearsing exactly what I was going to say to her. But when I got to the front of the building, I just kept riding right past the entrance.

I guess I needed to rehearse a little bit longer. As I pedaled along, my mind went through every interaction I’d ever had with her.

The day she told me she was a geek.

The day her co-workers made sure I got help from her and nobody else.

The time I put a book on hold and she grabbed it off the shelf the moment I walked in the door.

At the corner I turned right and circled around for another go. I knew she was there, because one of her colleagues had shown me her work schedule just the other day. I’m sure that violated some kind of rule.

I had to think about this some more. Once again, I rode right past the building.

Why would her co-workers tell me her schedule? Maybe they knew I liked her, and they wanted to bring us together. That was a good sign. Or maybe it was a trap.

I saw myself as the underdog. It was good that I was trying to get a date with someone who was way out of my league. But she was definitely going to reject me.

I rode past the library entrance for the third time.

Fourth time is the charm, I thought to myself. I’ll just ask her, “Do you like Turkish coffee?”

If she says “yes,” I’ll ask, “You want to get some Turkish coffee with me one of these days?”

There was this great coffee shop in the neighborhood, run by two Tunisian woman. They were sisters, and both of them were kind, funny, and wise beyond their years.

These sisters had been urging me for weeks to invite the librarian there for a first date. What could go wrong?

Well, she might not like Turkish coffee.

That’s ridiculous!

Then she might not like me.

Highly probable.

I wasn’t the kind of guy who dated women like that. So I coasted past the library for the fourth time, and rode home.

The Heavy Cost of Low Confidence

If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably caught yourself thinking “I can’t do this,” or “I shouldn’t do this,” or worst of all, “I don’t deserve this.”

If you don’t believe you can accomplish what you want to accomplish, if you don’t think you’re worthy, if you doubt you can do what needs to be done, then you are going to fail.

Low confidence deprives you of the wealth you deserve. It keeps you out of strong friendships and loving relationships. It blocks you from exercising and taking care of your fitness.

When your confidence is low, you’re not going to devote as much time as you deserve into the passions, self-development, and other pursuits that matter to you.

So how do you build confidence?

The Reason for Low Self Confidence

Confidence is only a symptom of the real issue. By default, you behave in ways that are congruent with the person you think you are.

You might view yourself as a hopeless Romantic who will never “settle,” so you avoid dating anyone who isn’t perfect.

You could also jump into a bad relationship in order to “save” someone because you think of yourself as a hero. Or you friendzone the partner you really want, because you don’t identify as someone worthy of their love.

You could be out of shape because you don’t think of yourself as the kind of person who takes ownership for their health and fitness.

It’s also common to you identify as a kind, giving person to the point that you don’t set aside time for your own self-care and development. You neglect your music, your art, and everything else that’s important to you.

In other words, low confidence is an identity problem. You don’t see yourself as a person who is competent, deserving, confident, and so on. Therefore, you don’t act like it.

The Key to Confidence

All of the examples I’ve mentioned above are based on personal experience.

You know what else is based on personal experience? I changed everything when I changed my identity.

I started making money as a copywriter almost as soon as I stopped picturing myself as a rookie copywriter. I ditched the romantic notion of a starving creative, grinding away to pay the rent. I thought of myself as a professional instead.

When I started thinking of myself as a warrior, I began practicing martial arts and quickly cured my perpetual back pain, which I had thought was the inevitable result of sitting at a desk for 12 hours a day.

When I chose the identity of a confident and loving partner, I started dating the hot young librarian who is now my wife.

Change your self-image and you will raise your confidence and change your life.

Right now, claim the role of a professional, an artist, a writer, or an influencer oozing rizz.

Let me show you how.

Tool of the Week: Level Up Your Self Image

1. The next time you’re doing something important, pretend you’re an actor. Or imagine yourself as a character a role playing game.

2. You’re playing the role of someone who is good at the thing you want to do. You might even be armed with a magic sword, upgraded armor, special certification, or fame based on your past achievements.

3. You could be playing a future version of yourself, someone who has already done this a hundred times and it’s a piece of cake.

4. How would you act if you were that person? Surely you wouldn’t hesitate to ask for a date, offer your services, prioritize your practice, or organize your workspace.

5. See yourself as a leader, a teacher, a professional, an adventurer. Wear the role like a mask, and you’ll be instantly more decisive and confident.

6. Do what that confident, competent person would do. You will begin to become that person.

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That wraps it up for this week.

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Jacob