How to Get Buy-In From the People Closest to You

TL; DR: The most important people in your life can accelerate your progress or pose the biggest obstacles. There are four levels of communication that bring your people further into your dream and on your side.

This might be hard to hear.

But I have to say it.

I have to say it because I want you to achieve something amazing in the next 12 months. Something that currently seems like a dream.

But here it is. There are important people in your life who have to share your vision, or at least understand enough to get behind you.

You don't live in a vacuum.

You have children, a spouse, a partner, friends, maybe even employees or colleagues who matter. These people can either give you space and support or become your biggest obstacle.

I saw this happen once. My parents went through a brutal divorce, largely because one of them wasn't able to follow the path that I'm about to lay out for you.

If you want to 10x any aspect of your life, you have to get other people on board. This is a complex situation to navigate, but you can do it. Let’s look at how.

The Pyramid of Cooperation

There’s a hierarchy of situations or stages in bringing your vision to your people.

If you can't pass from one level to the next, you're either going to end up sacrificing your dreams or sacrificing relationships.

Let's talk about the ground level. This is just what I call apathy or complacency, where you don't have a clear vision or major goal. You’re drifting through it.

This is where most people are. Unfortunately, you have to be aware of this because you need to meet people at the level they’re on.

I assume you're reading this because you're beyond the ground level. You feel driven to do something extraordinary that hasn't been done before, at least not by you.

You want to grow, expand, take control of your life, to have adventures and achievement.

All of this means you're already on this pyramid I’m about to show you, which is built above the ground of complacency.

Discipline

The first level is the base of the pyramid. Don't think of this as a low level think. It’s a foundation.

The foundation is Discipline. You've made a conscious choice about what you want and who you want to be, and now you're taking consistent action.

It doesn’t matter if it's writing, exercising, making sales calls, painting, practicing, or studying.

Whatever it is, your daily practice makes the success you've chosen as inevitable as a glacier.

When you're at this stage it's easy to look down on the people who are on the ground in complacency and apathy. It’s easy to feel superior to them.

But nobody is an island.

You can get lost in discipline, especially if you're single and don't have many responsibilities or obligations to other people.

At some point you're going to want or need to relate to other people, or even if it’s just a cat or a dog. And you have to meet them at the level they’re on, even if they don’t have a Grand Vision like you do.

Now the cool part of being on this pyramid is that the first level gives you some influence over people on the ground. Being disciplined inspires a grudging respect from those who aren’t.

One reason Discipline is a prerequisite to everything else is because it shows the world that you’re serious. And this has more impact than you might think.

If you show the people who care about you that you’re determined to spend an hour a day working on your business or writing your novel, they will be impressed.

However, there’s some give and take. As they accept your choice to be disciplined and proactive, you have to accept the complacency that might be a part of who they are at this point in time.

 Which brings us to the next level, Accommodation.

Accommodation

There are important people in your life, and you're going to have to accommodate them a little bit.

You're still a warrior, you're still a hero on a journey, but at the second level you make room for others.

Accommodation is hard, because it requires discipline with nuance.

Maybe you’ve set aside an hour a day to work on your driving goals, but once a week you spend that hour with your children instead, or you don’t begin that hour until you’ve had fifteen minutes of quality time when you’re fully present.

Externally it might look like you're slacking off, but in fact Accommodation requires more discipline from you. You have to be clear on your priorities, set boundaries, and then make the most of your time within those boundaries.

 If you succeed at the Accommodation level, you'll almost get to the next level by default.

Integration

Level three is Integration. This is where you figure it out. You communicate with the people you love and anyone who has a claim on your time and attention.

Everyone gets clear on what they need from you and what you need from them. Instead of just accommodating other people, Integration is where you convince them to accommodate you.

At the Integration level, the people in your life support and enhance the efforts you're making to reach your own goals.

At the same time, your discipline and success are a boon and an inspiration to your people.

Once you’ve achieved complete and authentic Integration, you'll get to the final level. This top tier is Transformation.

At this level you become the extraordinary person you were meant to be, after crossing oceans of discipline and communication. Not only do you complete your journey, but you also bring a partner, a family, or a whole community with you.

Tool of the Week: Conversation Templates to Gain Buy-In

Discipline Templates:

• I’m going to ______________ for (length of time/frequency) every (day/week/month) because ____________ is important for my future health/happiness/sanity.

• Want to (new disciplined activity) with me?

•  I’ll bet I can (new disciplined activity) for the next 6 months. Can you help hold me accountable?

Accommodation Templates:

• I’d like to spend some time __________ with you. I know I’ve been busy with _______ and I appreciate that you’re giving me the space for it. What would you like to do?

•  Let’s make some time for _____________. I can skip doing ____________ for one afternoon. Would you like that?

•  If you want (describe positive details of life after you complete your quest), then I really need to make time for __________. Can you help me with this?

Integration Templates:

• Won’t it be amazing when we (describe positive details of life after you complete your quest)?

• You could really help me by ____________, and I’d like to reciprocate by ____________.

• How can we do this together?

There’s one more thing you need to know.

You achieve the Discipline stage by being unconditionally committed to fulfilling your dream. And to successfully complete a quest, you have to love the adventure.

You have to love the process and the outcome. You have to love the way it shapes and refines your character. You even have to love the pain, the embarrassment, and the frustration that you’re going to experience much of the time.

Then, when you work towards Accommodation and Integration, you have to unconditionally commit to the people your work will affect the most.

You have to make them an essential part of your world. You have to love them even when they get in your way. Your quest has to be for them as much as it is for you.

The key to climbing this pyramid is unconditional love.

That wraps it up for this week.

If you’re enjoying these rants, lessons, and tools, I would love to hear from you.

If you’re not, I would like to hear from you even more.

Reply to this email and tell me what you think, what you’d like to see in the future, or just to drop me a line about your cat.

I don’t always have the time to reply to your message, but I read every one of them.

Jacob